I've sat on this for a while despite all the emails and texts I've received over the first image as Johnny Depp as Tonto in the Lone Ranger. I guess I'm supposed to be offended. Look, I'm part Native American but I'm allergic to horses and I'm not really good with directions and it took me an hour one to time to set up a tent. I also have no idea how to paint with wind. I don't know, I guess I don't know if Johnny Depp wearing a dead bird on his head is historically accurate or not and I really don't care. Johnny Depp is in a movie with a dead bird on his head. Let's all just enjoy that.

Paul McCartney is proof that as long as you put in a few years with a popular boy band, you can then spend the next four decades making average-to-terrible music and still have enough clout in the entertainment industry to get A-list actors like Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman to star in your latest music video. Then you can have a big premiere of that video where half of Hollywood turns out. But I do have to give the cute Beatle some credit, he managed to get Miranda Kerr to change out of workout clothes for the first time in weeks. So thanks for that, Paul.

Vanessa Paradis finally denied the rumors of her split with Johnny Depp. E! Online reports:

Making the publicity rounds for her new movie, Café de Flore, Paradis offered a clear statement to French television program Grand Journal on the subject after giving a vague response to the U.K.'s Daily Mail. "Yes it's false! Of course it's false!" the 39-year-old singer-actress said when pressed about reports she had split with Depp, 48. Paradis added that such rumors "can truly harm my family." "When someone reports that we buy a house, they say we have 52 houses around France," she told the show. "We separate in winter and we get married again in summer… I'm at this point at my 12th pregnancy." According to Paradis, what she really takes issue with is when reporters write hurtful things that end up affecting their two kids, 11-year-old Lily and 9-year-old Jack.

It's pretty safe to say they're never splitting up, but not because he can't do better. If you manage to land Johnny Depp when you look like Gollum with a weave and Michael Strahan's orthodontist, there's a 97.6% chance necromancy is involved.

Because his bodyguards beat up a handicapped lady. God, those handicapped people with all their rolling around and not using proper hand signals. TMZ reports:

The LAPD has some questions for Johnny Depp -- and now, they're trying to track the actor down for an interview .... after his bodyguards allegedly beat up a disabled woman last week. TMZ broke the story ... 52-year-old Robyn Ecker filed a police report after the Iggy Pop show in L.A. Thursday night -- claiming she was minding her own business when she accidentally danced too close to Depp's table ... and his bodyguards tackled her. Robyn claims she was seriously injured during the alleged attack -- and even went to the hospital to get herself checked out. Law enforcement sources tell us, the LAPD would like to speak to Johnny and his bodyguards about the police report -- and are currently making attempts to interview all of them. So far, no word from Johnny's rep.

We give Johnny Depp a lot of love on this site, but he's said some pretty dumb shit recently and now apparently his bodyguards think they're in some wheelchair athlete intramural rugby league. Not to be an asshole, but the article said she was disabled then immediately followed up with "she was minding her own business when she accidentally danced too close to Depp's table." I've never seen a disabled person dance, but I assume Johnny Depp's bodyguards thought she might have been possessed by a demon. Honest mistake.

UPDATE: This was just sent in by a reader. Thanks, Cesar! Even though you drowned that puppy that one time.

I actually witnessed this happen in front of me at the show. That woman is full of shit. She was WASTED like no tomorrow and made her way to were Depp was and mind you he had his kids and girlfriend with him. She grabbed him by the back of his pants, pulling him and the bodyguard grabbed her, but she just would not let go and got really angry, spilling everyone's drink and went as far as scaring the living hell out of his kid, making her cry. She was being pulled away and started fighting back, which resulted in the venues security to get involved and she was STILL being all violent. They got her taken away and Depp and everyone with him left the place. About 10 minutes later, the same woman went back to the place were everything happened, looking for him and same shit happened again but this time she got kicked out. The end.

Johnny Depp has every excuse in the world to be a self-absorbed asshole who thinks people should be shot in the face if they look him directly in the eye, but as a million examples prove, he's quite possibly the most down-to-earth and evolved person in Hollywood. Daily Star reports:

Hollywood big-shot Johnny, who is currently shooting his new film Dark Shadows on our shores, left a £700 tip for waitresses and bar staff at a pub in Berkshire. We’re told: “Johnny is staying at the five-star country manor house estate Coworth Park in Ascot. “Instead of choosing from the four hotel restaurants, including one which is Michelin-starred, he decided to hang out at a nearby pub with the locals. “Johnny chose to have dinner and drinks in the Thatched Tavern pub a mile-and-a-half up the road from his hotel. “On the first night he left a £300 tip for pub staff, followed by £400 the night after.”

If this Yahoo! Finance currency converter is correct, Depp went to a pub for two nights and left $1,144.00 in tips. When asked for comment, Lindsay Lohan said, "They hiring? I mean, a thousand dollars, that's like what? A million crack rocks?".

Right. E! Online says:

The stars' The Tourist was left stranded with a second-place, $17 million weekend debut, per estimates.

What happened?

Take your pick: lousy reviews; lousy weather (sunny Los Angeles, excluded); an overall blah weekend for Hollywood; etc.

The result was a steep comedown for Depp, whose last film was Alice in Wonderland. It was more in line with 2004's Secret Window, which also happens to be the last time Depp played an ordinary man (by Depp standards).

For Jolie, this is more the norm—she hasn't had a No. 1 opener since Mr. & Mrs. Smith. (At the same time, she's had several money-makers since then, so there you go.)

With a reputed price tag of $100 million, The Tourist has a lot on the line. If Jolie and Depp weren't international draws, their film would be DOA, but they are, and The Tourist isn't. So far, the movie has debuted in a few countries overseas; its worldwide total stands at $25 million.

Please. Somewhere Jennifer Aniston and her publicist are cackling over their Cobb salads, but Angelina Jolie (and her insane legs, pictured below) is still banging Brad Pitt. I think it's safe to say she wins.

In his recent interview with Vanity Fair, Johnny Depp reveals that Disney executives were afraid that his portrayal of Jack Sparrow in Pirates Of The Caribbean would ruin the movie. Mostly because they thought Depp's Sparrow was a drunk homosexual with a learning disability. Daily Mail reports:

Captain Jack Sparrow has quickly become one of the best loved characters in cinema history. But the actor behind the eccentric pirate has revealed how Disney bosses initially hated his take on the character. Johnny Depp revealed: 'They couldn’t stand him. They just couldn’t stand him. 'I think it was Michael Eisner, the head of Disney at the time, who was quoted as saying, "He’s ruining the movie."' But it appeared the actor decided to have a bit of fun with Disney executives, who were used to releasing clean-cut, family-friendly entertainment. The 47-year-old, currently promoting new film The Tourist, says he wasn't bothered by who he calls 'Upper-echelon Disney-ites, going, "What’s wrong with him? Is he, you know, like some kind of weird simpleton? Is he drunk? By the way, is he gay?" 'And so I actually told this woman who was the Disney-ite… "But didn’t you know that all my characters are gay?" Which really made her nervous.'

You could take all the money that the Pirates franchise has made, load in an airplane, fly across America while blowing the money out with a leaf blower, and when you landed, you would still have enough money to buy every single child in Haiti and a Superbowl commercial of Katy Perry giving you a blowjob while Daniel-Day Lewis does her from behind. I don't know, I think Michael Eisner might have been wrong on this one.

Lindsay Lohan has made one decent movie which made Rachel McAdams a star, yet she is a spoiled, entitled cunt who believes Hollywood owes her an Oscar. I only mention that because Johnny Depp's movies have grossed $2.4 TRBILLION, other actors have publicly stated that they were star-struck when they met him, every woman would blow him in front of their parents, yet he's as humble and generous as he is awesome. Like the time a little boy told Depp he liked his hat when he was on location in Wisconsin filming Public Enemies. Guess what happened two months later? Or the time he showed up to Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital in full Jack Sparrow costume with a check for $2 million then spent four hours reading bedtime stories to the patients. Or the time he sent a personalized message to a 17-year old high school student after she fell into a coma from a car accident. Only because her father wrote a letter to Depp saying he was his daughter's favorite actor. So what would my fellow Native American and fellow member of the Handsome Man's Club do when Beatrice Delap, a 4th grader at Meridian Primary School, wrote him this letter? The Daily Mail reports:

'Captain Jack Sparrow, At Meridian Primary School, we are a bunch of budding young pirates and we were having a bit of trouble mutiny-ing against the teachers, and we'd love if you could come and help.'Beatrice Delap, aged nine, a budding pirate.'

What do you think?

An onlooker said she heard the most 'incredible screams of joy' as the actor, in full make-up, then entered the school. In an interview on London Tonight after the visit, Beatrice...said that she was then asked by the star to make herself known from the assembled pupils once he arrived, and gave her a cuddle. Beatrice marvelled: 'He gave me a hug and he said, "Maybe we shouldn't mutiny today 'cos there are police outside monitoring me."'

Seriously. The only way Johnny Depp could be more cool is if he owned Wayne Enterprises and walked around with a trident.